Get off my back

It is in the quiet solitude of the night as I walk to the bus stop that the sickness overcomes me. That damp air sticks to my skin and the tiredness washes over. As I reach the bus stop that familiar feeling of irritation takes over. It's always like this. I get charged up and excited during my activities, only to lapse into this bitter, antagonised self.

Why, I wonder, do I have to come home everyday at 8, leave for school by 6.45? People have 8 hour workdays, I have 12. It's just the whole pressure of working late, coming home, and doing more work that really gets to me. I was never quite like this. But recently my fuse is getting shorter. I swear only the presence of beni, dai wei, jeremy, bryan, musa n vicks keeps me relatively jovial and happy in school. That and the grace of God. And to be sure, it must His grace that keeps me going, because how else to explain the fact that despite the stress that's been building up over the past few months, my body refuses to fail or break down, even if I may secretly wish for it to do so and get myself a break? Compared to me my class is absolutely sickly. In fact, this is the sickliest class I've ever been in. People "fall ill" on a regular basis, or some don;t come at all because they're "sick of school". Yeah, sure, like the people who DO attend aren't sick of school.

It's rubbish you know, to hear people complain non-stop about how they can't keep up with lessons or that they don't understand. Of course you don't! How could you, when your absenteeism rate averages out to around 2 per week? And I have to put up with all this shit, and then come home to be questioned by my parents about my whereabouts. I mean, I know they're concerned, but give me a break. I'm sick to death of having to explain continually to them what MUN means, what this activity is or that. It's not like they remember anyway. Where could I be anyway? Gallivanting round Singapore? I have better things to do. And then my father tells me to stop overcommiting myself, tell the teachers I don't want to do it. Yeah sure, it'd be great if life could just stop and I could drop everything. But I can't. I've made commitments, I like what I do, and even if I don't, I can't just stop. There are others around me who are more laden with work than I am.

But of course, it's back to the same conflict. When do I stop comparing my situation to people worse off than me and start living for myself? There will always be someone poorer than you, true, but there's always someone richer than you. And one day, one fine day, I wish I could just fling out all this talk about oh, people have more stuff to do, I shouldn't complain, and get on with life. But I'm brought up this way, I have my principles. My parents would be proud, if they knew the crap I go through. I get home later than them everyday, I still have to work through essay assignments, I still pass up on time everytime, I still get respectable grades. I mean, come on, how much more can you expect from your son? There are plenty of people I know who idle their time away at home or somewhere else in school and still can't produce work on time. You know what I say to their reasons? Bullshit. Life's tough, so get on with it. Grow up, and stop whining.

By now I now I've completely contradicted my case. I've just completed what must be the longest rant/whine I've ever done on this blog. Well, I know. Judge not, lest ye be judged, how well I know that. But the steam needs to let out sometimes. So although I complain so much, at the end I know I'll just bite the bitter medicine I've just dished out and go on. What else can I do? Skip school? Dream on. I have an entire PC essay to complete, and I know that no matter how late it gets it will appear done tomorrow. So be it. That's my lot in life, I'll just have to do it, and if this post has taken up too much precious time, so be it.

On a happier note, I passed my 2.4 for the first time in JC today. Thank be to God. I'd never be able to do it without His strength. And to think about it, I'll need plenty of strength in the days to come.